i know i said i wouldn't abandon you dear blog. i'm sorry. tumblr is fucking addicting.

i do not like crying. so i won't, or at least, i'll try not to.
i also do not like hurting.
i don't like the pain in my chest that comes out of nowhere, but i always know why its there.
i don't like not having an appetite.
i don't like listening to bright eyes when i'm sad, but sadly i can't help it.
i don't like my crowded room and humid atmosphere.
and i don't like this, not at all.

i'm having a terrible night.

i just need someone to force me to study and hold me simultaneously.

summer goals:
hang out with friends. often. not just sit on my ass. [meet new ones? i need new ones.]
work out.
watch/catch up on all the shows i need to.
read.
get room to the way i want it and maintain it.
make/buy clothes.


:/
tonight is just terrible. i cannot fathom having an exam tomorrow atm.

what do you do when your best friends friend commits suicide?

i hate being sober.
and thats bad. really really bad.

a part of me wants to run downstairs and get a drink before i go to bed, but the alarms already on.
we better have drinks on prom night is all im sayin'.

†william control†

i listen to hate culture when i'm upset/depressed/going crazy.
not just the cd, but the song. on repeat, many times.

welcome to my world
now you can stop believing
all the lies you think are true
so cunning and deceiving
a gift i've made for you
wrapped in love and misery
my confessions far from used
i've only died sometime last century

demons walk the earth
while angels stay in heaven
some might say it's worse
i don't care how you fooled ten million
this gift i've made to haunt
while searching for infinity
some might say i'm wrong
i say it's my own destiny

let's all take a chance
on something strange

hate, this culture don't see
hate, this culture i don't breathe in
hate, this culture i don't see
hate, this culture i don't live in

oh hai i havent taken medicine in over a week.
and i'm freaking out.
and i want to cry.
and i hate school. urg.

populace in two.

even if i spend 2004 listening to morrisey in my car, i'm better off alone than i would be in your arms.


too much drama.
when did my life become and episode of skins?

boy you are so lucky you arent here in person.

i know you said lets not talk about it anymore but im talking about it.

i'm just not saying it on skype cause you have to do homework.
i'm sorry i didnt get your little fucking hints.
if you could just straight up say, hey get on skype, i totally could.
not, hey why arent you ever on skype?
i mean, i told you why. i dont have the icon on my desktop and i just fucking forgot i had it.
just be straight up please. this is like, the second time i didnt take your stupid hints and you got mad. shiiiiiit.
you are so lucky you have homework i'd be yelling at you so hard right now.

ive never felt more lonely in my life.

i wish i had friends to hang out with in the good weather...

:/

i'm dying.

but actually.
save me.

i fucked it up.
and i know i did [he practically told me]
but i fucked it up and i hate it.
i feel like fucking naomi.

fuck me i feel so awful.
i have to finish:
mock SAT exam [i've only done 3 out of 9 sections so far.]
the hardest paper i've ever had to write for english, and i havent even written a whole paragraph. i have bits and pieces and excerpts but i cant figure out how to put them together.

and i just had a semi/kinda/sterm talk/argument with the boy and now i just feel like shit.

and i'm hungry. but i don't want to go downstairs cause my mom won't stop bothering me about this fucking stupid SAT mock exam.
and i fucking suck at math. i didnt answer like, 10 of the questions.
and im just wholeheartedly frustrated and i hate everyone and every single thing right now.
im going to cry.

i feel like ripping everything off my walls and just screaming.
but that will do nothing but make me upset that i ripped down all my pictures.
fsajfksghfd

dear you,

i text you over 3 hours ago.
now text me back. i feel like shit and i want to cry.

SO. FUCKING. SAD.

:[

i sit back and look at all the photos with my friend having fun...

without me.
this is why i need new friends. who decide they all are gonna hang out, and actually think to call me.

and my dad just made me feel like shit. unintentionally, but still. now i feel like shit.
and i have no one to talk to.

oh hai pictures from like, a week before we broke up.

they look so happy.
:/

why i love lady gaga.

i'm being legit. not just cause shes pretty and has catchy songs.

i love her cause she's different, and she's not afraid to be.
and i mean, i know a lot of artists are unafraid to be different, such as marilyn manson and whatnot. but she's different than that. she is so mainstream, so in the public eye, and it doesn't matter. she won't sacrifice wearing something normal or anything.
she's honest and stands up for what she believes in.
she can be serious and still poke fun of herself.
she's an artist. everything she does is some form of art, whether its her music videos, her outfits, her songs, or just something she says.
"When you make music or write or create, it's really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you're writing about at the time. "
i mean, who says that?! but its so true.
i mean, she's amazing.
"I want women -- and men -- to feel empowered by a deeper and more psychotic part of themselves. The part they're always trying desperately to hide. I want that to become something that they cherish."
"I used to walk down the street like I was a fucking star... I want people to walk around delusional about how great they can be - and then to fight so hard for it every day that the lie becomes the truth."
it's like she fucking knows and cares. she's knows that i'm nothing and i want to be something.
she knows that i crave for a fast paced, exciting life, that i only get a taste of some nights.
that i want/need new friends and i want to be loved and known and brave and cared for.
and most of all, i want to be happy. i'm not happy. there's day when i'm happier than others. usually on weekends when im with certain people *coughcoughnudgenudgefailfailfailfail* but overall, im miserable.
i see the way my friends interact with their other friends and hang out with them and i just wonder why i don't have other friends like that. why am i always lonely, with no one to call and talk to for hours on end during the night [nevermind the fact that i hate phones]
and some/a lot of her lyrics may be considered conceded, or like, bitchy rich girl like, but they're not.
and it's hard to explain, but they just aren't.
and songs like, so happy i could die, and dance in the dark, just always make me feel better when i'm upset.
idk, she's one of my biggest heroes.

and i want vampire grills like she has in that picture. so sweet.

TOTALLY JUST DID SOMETHING I SWEAR I WOULDN'T DO.

m,fdsjfhljasksdjfbjhvvfsjkadnvbhlgdudywrijfknvblhuljka.dsfdnjk;ijksfdnjhuajkfjhusdvihjkda,dfsdjfhsaldfbdasfdskj
skdfjhaslduifhajwknfjfsbdvuiafjkfiupi2289ty24hfipfshsfhjksuoihsfij;sfd
sdf;jiis
fdshio;ia
oiasoifw[iouejaks
weo[iofisdjk;jskfd
ospioiffpwofja
FUCKKKKKKKK.
i have no self-control. it's lovely. *slams head against cement*

things i wish i said earlier:

but now it's too late cause i dont want to seem like a desperate, pathetic girl like i seemed the last time.

1. you make me self-conscience. i never wanted you to see my body cause i think its gross. even after we had sex or something i wanted to hide under the covers cause i didnt want you to really look. im afraid something about me might gross you out or something.

2. my mother has the power to instill fear in me. she always has. ever since we got caught, in your basement and driving, she has instilled this fear in me that if im someplace i'm not supposed to be, i will get caught. not a maybe. will. and im trying to overcome it. seriously. its in my to do list. but its hard cause she makes me very paranoid.

3. honestly, i thought you were gonna end it that night we saw the movie. cause i had a feeling something awful was gonna happen. and it did. but then we were fine and i had false hope that you wouldnt end it.

4. the hardest part was giving the ring back, cause then it was kinda official. giving your stuff back [when/if i see you again] will probably be tough too. but not as hard i think. cause even when we first ended it, i still had it, and i guess i still had hope. but giving it back was total devastation to me. i debated on whether i should give it back or not for a while...well, taking our photobooth pictures off my wall was pretty hard too.


i wish people would stop texting me asking if i'm okay and what happened. cause i'm obviously not okay and what do you think happened? i'm better if i'm not thinking about it, and when people text me, i think about it. monday is going to be fucking awful.

and can you answer my message please? i mean, it can be just a simple yes or no. cause you're leaving me hanging, and i hate it.

in other news sister dear text me to say i should drive 4hours to the bing and go drinking.
she was also the first to text me.
and i saw alice in wonderland with my parents tonight.

tomorrow night is gonna be awful.
tomorrow is just gonna be awful. basketball officially starts, and idk if i'm emotionally ready to deal with all their shit.
emotionally in general, im never prepared for their drama.
guhhhhjdkgasljfasfl;skjd


i'm as mad as a hatter.

i havent left my bed since i got home.

and i saw our photobooth picture on my wall, cried had to tear it down.
rolled over, saw his jacket. cried and shoved it in my closet and closed the door.
idk where his boxers are. when i find them i'll cry.
when i see his hoodie/our picture from freshman in my armoire i'll cry.
my hand feels naked without the ring, so i took all my jewelry off.
as much as i knew this was coming, this fucking sucks.
i fucking hate life.

im completely and totally fucking crazy and manic and insane right now and no one should be allowed to talk to me.

im a fucking wreck.

story time:

i forgot to take my birth control for over a week.
i thought i only missed 2 days but no.
so now im crazy and hormonal. kinda like how i was before birth control. and it fucking sucks.

[idk if its true but i like blaming my problems on the meds i take.]

honestly, im pissed as hell that you didnt go to school all day and didnt text me, but had enough time to draw fucking jesus on mariquits computer. seriously.

i fucking hate everything right now.

sdf,jshlkfhas fhsf finallllllly.

i fucking feel like doing that. just fucking texting the shit out of him.
but then i'd feel even more worthless. so i wont.
fsdkjfaksf

i feel like im falling apart. like every part that i'm made up of is just breaking down.
and all i want is for you to fucking text me.
just fucking text me.
we havent talked for hours and you cant even say hey sorry i have a lot of homework.
and you still havent told me why the fuck you were mad at me last night.
and just fucking text me.
thats all i fucking want.
motherfucker i feel like shit just fucking text me urg.

give me the deets.

last night:
showed up at pgs dorm. her roommate is cool. she had nirvana, trivium, otep, as i lay dying, and tegan and sara posters. and her ears were gauged. pg took me around campus a bit to get her alch and meet some people. it was interesting. then she took a shower, came back and gave me clothes of hers to wear. then we put on makeup and went to the dorm across the hall. it was her friends named spencer. he was cool, from NYC, but thinks he's a cowboy, and is kinda sorta a born again christian, but his views are so awesome. and then this other dude came in...i think his name is matt or something idk pg called him beatz.
so we hung out there for a while, then this girl named lauren came, and we were gonna go to a kegger. but there was drama with pg and her boy toy/boyfriend/whatever. so they had an hour long fight. as they were fighting, lauren offered to take me to the kegger, but i said i would wait for pg. then her other friends wanted me to hang with them, so i went into ethiopias room. yes, that's her name.
she's christian to the point that she doesn't eat shellfish and doesn't believe in evolution. (shes gonna be a science major. kinda a conflict but whatever) but she was cool, and we talked about candy and the zoo and school and stuff.
then pg picked me up and we went to the kegger, but there was no more beer! but i met the whole male bball team, and this one kid there (sal?) told me he used to go to new hampshire, and remembered seeing my sis and dora, and that he was at the game friday night. then he started asking me all these questions about my sister and i was like uhhhh...
so we ran around, took pictures and crap, then sal? talked to paige. then paige comes up to me and goes "sal thinks your sister is hot, dont tell him i told you." and i was like, ohmygod i knew it! so i texted my sister and she was kinda creeped out.
anywho, after that we went to a frat party and psi something or other. (looked it up, Psi Upsilon. they just called it psi u or pu.)
somehow, cause pg has connections, we got to come through the front door and not the back basement stairs. they had this huge table of beer pong going on, and they had beer from a tap. like in a restaurant. it was freaking cool. it was pretty boring for a while cause no one was there. so we went upstairs for like, no reason. and when we came back, the table was gone, the lights were off, the black lights and strobe lights were on, and it. was. packed. pg and i danced and it was fun. i danced with two guys from the bball team, and idk about the other guy, cause i drunk and didnt see who it was. and neither did pg. but we kept switching guys we were dancing with, and she hooked up with tyrelle (but it didnt happen so actually she didnt)
and the strobe light was killing me. and i was drenched in beer multiple times. we left around 3ish and ran across the field with her friends and gave piggy back rides. and while running past the dorms to get to pgs, there were firefighters and everyone was outside of one of them. which was funny cause they just had a fire a few days ago.
so we go back to pgs dorm, or really her floor, and we eat ramen and cinnamon toast crunch.
it was funny cause lauren took all the vegetables out her cup of noodles but pg ate it. so she was mad and almost started crying. then, when she was happier, she points to pg and goes, "remind me to be mad at her tomorrow!!"
then tyrelle tried to invite me into his room and i was like uhhh....no...cant move. which was a lie but it was sketchy.
so, we end up in ethiopia and laurens room. lauren leaves to go fuck this guy or something, and pg falls asleep on her bed. so we went to sleep in laurens bed at like, 345, 4ish.
and this asian guy named tony, who is so funny, kept joking around with ethiopia saying they were married. and he got into her bed and wouldnt get out. it was funny.
then we woke up this morning and pg forgot we werent in her room. so we went back and her roommate wasnt there. but there was an empty cup of noodles with a fork through it on ethiopias door handle o_o
thats pretty much my night.
im tired/hungover as fuck. and no matter what i do this headache wont go away. :/
blah.

horrible day.

and nobody fucking cares.

summer nights in winter.

on saturday i hung out with mary, rosie, and paul. charlie and his friend where there for a bit, then collier came, then the boy ♥
first, we found a secret stairwell in a sketchy part of the mall. and when i say sketchy, i mean, holy shit sketchy. charlie and his friend left then rosie, mary, paul and i walked around the mall.
we then walked to dunkin donuts and got hash browns. then got pizza on discount cause paul is friends with someone who works there. then sat in jerrys pizza and subs and ate the pizza. then we pushed rosie around in a cart while she held a sign that said "sorry, she's retarded." it was on the back of my old bio notes about photosynthesis. so she started screaming, "CALVIN CYCLE! CITRIC ACID! GYNECOLOGIST." and mary and i had to scream back, "GLYCOLYSIS."
then collier arrived. basically, we ran around doing nothing and everything.
and paul almost died. he ran out into the street when i car was turning, and mary, collier, and i screamed so fucking loud. luckily the car stopped and he ran across. but actually, he almost got hit.
then we got pauls friend to get us stuff, and then we sat in dunkin donuts again and got hash browns. then we chilled in the parking lot of jerrys pizza and subs the boy came. and we all hung out and it was good times. and mary runs up to mitch and hugs him. and shes all like, "i got stuck in the snow over there, for like, 20mintues." and collier hugged this random dude twice. and these drunk guys walked by asking where the university was. and one of them asks paul to tell them that they will not get any pussy.
then mary slept over.

it was a great night.
oh, and paul looks like jesus.

today:

while hugging billy with anna, he said yay threesum!
later, zoey asked me on behalf of devon whether, hypothetically of course, i would be up for a threesum with them.
then devon text me and said that "[i] know [i] want to join in!"
and that zoeu says im too much of a freak...and that he's a great multitasker...and that i have no reason to NOT want his dick near me...and that he has to find another sex partner cause im no fun..and that "all you girls" have boyfriends. it was an amusing conversation.
i saw him yesterday too. twas funny [eeeeclipse!]
i've been seeing him a lot lately. i saw him friday at the ice hockey game [we won bitches] he parked at the wrong place and ran to the rink. dumbasssssss.
sat i went to the bing and saw sister dear. she played well, cried during her senior day speech thing, and let me hang out with her and the team. it was fun.
today pm called on mr. too-hot-baker [as i've been calling him lately] during reading, and will yells out, "YOU WOULD." mr. too-hot-baker, had already started reading, and we were trying not to laugh. then he stopped and smiled and went "...what?"
we died. pm's face was so red and she buried it in her arms on her desk. then will goes, "let me see how red your face is."
at the end of class, briho and i called him out for being an asshole. but actually, it was pretty hilarious.

and futhermore, i've realized i love it when guys [that i like] call me babe.
boyfriend or friend. its nice.

and i'm head over heels for tumblr and skins.
fo shizz.

the seniors came to practice drunk yesterday.
so funny.
im becoming obsessed with tumblr.
but dont worry. i shall still use you dear blogger.
<3

formspring.me/muzicnerd
ask me questions :]

cause lately i've been tired and uninspired.

whenever i'm trying to be stealthy is when i'm least quite.



garrrrg.

i asked my mom if she would let me go out today, and she acted like i was crazy.
i fucking hate her sometimes.

last night was senior night.

i had carlie.
i almost cried while reading my letter to her, but i held it together.
but then nancy started crying while she was reading hers to grace, and grace started crying, then carlie and i started crying, and we couldnt stop.
im going to miss them so much.
the rest of the night was fun/disgusting. [grace is a freaaaaak!]

then i came home and found out my neighbors were robbed. probably by these 3 white boys with PA tags that have been hanging around. fucking scary shit.

im gonna be snowed in with my mom, and only my mom, for a few days. maybe til wendsday or something.
crap.

day 10.

you love me, i love you harder so...
everything you say every time we kiss i can't think straight
but i'm okay
and i can't think of anybody else
who i hate to miss
as much as i hate missing you.

6 weeks by hey monday.
the only song i really like by them.
its senior day tomorrow and i think my parents are going to conferences on friday. dammit.
and um um um um indo-chine is a crazy ass movie.

kay and car lied to mimi to go to the ice hockey game. they got caught by maggie and maggie freaking told.
so gracey stomped on her tables and crap. it was funny.

ghost hunters night.

for the boy.

http://demoloverskaf.tumblr.com/

tah dah.

sunday was lovely.

my boy is lovely.



dillon got kicked out of school. idk why yet. im guessing he's grounded cause he texts me randomly. at random hours. [12:23am anyone?]
i text dillon to vent about lenny. [someone needs to kick his ass.] then he told me. poor guy.

i saw devon today. i told him to come to my game but he didnt make it. good thing it wasnt too too pretty. :/



skins is excellent.

bio.
guitar.
basketball.
study.
eat.
sleep.
SAT.
basketball.
hangout?
sleep.
basketball.
basketball.
sleep.

this is my schedule friday-sunday.
i cant function.

last night i woke up from my sleep multiple times, and i my sleep delirium i started quizzing myself for history. the i would wake up and say, "no. sleep."
then i'd fall asleep and it would happen all over again.
oh.dear.lord.

english/french tomorrow.
im ready to jump off a bridge.

i cant wait until photo on tuesday! eek!


OH OH OH.
and aidens music video for let the right one in came out today.
nick as the homeless crazy guy was quite funny.
and wil looked adorable running in his business suit, with his hair all combed and whatnot.
love it :D

EDIT:
music video up on youtube now ^_^

i'm too mad to even correct peoples awful spelling [its pyro not piro]
fuck my mom.
shes a crazy bitch.
i can't wait to leave.

i havent watched rupaul since last march...

im watching reruns.
but now i remember that ongina is my hero.

she is like the christian siriano of rupaul.
minus the whole winner thing.
but she was in the top 3? 4?
idk but she is fierce, and amazing.
im watching the episode when they do the MAC makeup commericials for awareness of HIV/AIDS.
and ongina won, and started crying. then she told everyone she's been pos for two years and that she hasnt even told her parents yet.
and she was talking about celebrating life and whatnot.
shes wonderful.

runaway, runaway. i'll attack.

30seconds to mars.
oh my god.
i am obsessed with this is war.
and the song hurricane (which is the first song on my new playlist *points to right side of screen), is freaking amazing.

do you really want?
do you really want me?
do you really want me dead?
or alive to torture for my sins?

and vox populi oh my god. pump up song to the max.
listen to at least the first two minutes. it is so wonderfully great.
i love this album.

you know that feeling you get when you just wanna blurt out, "marry me?"
or just grabbed their hand and leave and be together forever and ever and ever?

im starting to feel like that more and more and i hate it. its hard to hold those things back.

i could follow you to the beginning. just to relive the start. maybe then we'd remember to slow down at all of our favorite parts.
all i wanted was you ♥

this is gonna take a while to write...

cause i have to type this without getting mad.


lizifer is back.
people are being ridiculously mean.
i kinda exploded at my friend for not forgiving lizifer after she apologized.
but 1:i've been stressed lately and blowing up for no reason.
2:ZC was pissing me off and would not let me finish my sentence.
so i went to my car and watched juno until school ended.
then, at home ZC sent me a long, mean message.
i replied.
and we talked back and forth.
i called my friend and apologized while crying for yelling at her. she wasnt mad and she told me to stop replying to ZC and let it blow over.
so i did.
[but i started crying so hard that my dad woke up and my mom came up from downstairs. then i proceeded to have a longggg conversation with my mom. then she left and i took a shower]
then ZC proceeded to send me 4 more messages.
the last one:
maybe you hate asian cause you're own boyfriend told her he was with you just to get his dick sucked.
or something to that extent. i dont know, i deleted it.
so i exploded and said some reallllly immature things back. and i regret it, but whatever.

i just talked to asian and we're cool. which makes me happy cause i do really miss talking to her. i dont want to be close to her again and i know she doesnt want to be close it me. but we might start talking and the air is clear and i feel better.
ZC on the other hand...hnnn...

and it annoys me cause today something funny would happen, and we'd laugh, then she'd glare and turn away. fnjslkhvsduhjdglkjasg

anywho.
i saw tess and hilary today. i missed them dearly and it was nice to hear hilarys laugh. and i missed tess's hugs.
i am convinced that scruggs hates me. he is being such a dick to me lately, and this season is turning out worse than lasts.
and carlie is out for 2 week cause she hurt her ankle :/

and ummm im really happy i got this thing with asian cleared up. like, you dont understand.
and ummmm fuck french tomorrow blahhh.

too much drama.

will tell all tomorrow when i have a better/more insight?
i fucking hate everyone. just fyi.

i am so so incredibly sad.

i will be attending snowball without the boy.
and if i dont see him sometime next week, i wont see him for another two weeks.
i am going to explode.
and im ferociously tired and i cant do my work.
i have a big game tomorrow and my coaches are torturing me.
i have no time to relax.
i am going to explode and i hate school.

i really dont want to fucking go to snowball alone.
fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
daskdjfhklsjlfdfvdnbjh

itsnothisfault.
but goddamn.
its all cause i made fun of EG for having a bellybutton ring, isnt it?

holy shit its 2010.

NYE:
went to marys. spent time with her/phil.
talked, made a fort, drank so little i wasnt even buzzed, had a rave in the snow, set off fire crackers, played with lighters, watched the aristocats, shrek, kinda shrek 2, devoured a box of nerds, stayed up til 5ish in the morn. [i kept falling in and out of sleep. phil and mary stayed up until 730ish.]
NYD:
woke up to say bye to phil, slept til past 12, watched shrek 2 while eating pancakes, drove home, took shower, went to alexs house, watched doctor who, ate, cleaned kitchen, watched doctor who [got a terrible headache] went home, went to bed early cause of terrible headache.
today:
practice was at 9, woke up at 8:56 by carlie calling me, rushed to get ready while my head still ached so much that i exploded, got to practice, offered to stay after, almost died from headache/back aches/leg aches, stayed after, fire alarm went off, went home, watched doctor who, headache went away, took shower/bath thing, went to hv with the boy, saw princess and the frog [so incredibly cute], got yelled at my mom, came home, now im here.
and my dad wont let me watch the recorded doctor who cause he's laying on the goddamn couch fjkhdsu;sadklfjmfndlhuadsufjlk

oh hai boy come live with me kthnx.
<3

happy fucking new year.

its 2010 bitches.


ohdearlord.