but actually.
save me.
fuck me i feel so awful.
i have to finish:
mock SAT exam [i've only done 3 out of 9 sections so far.]
the hardest paper i've ever had to write for english, and i havent even written a whole paragraph. i have bits and pieces and excerpts but i cant figure out how to put them together.
and i just had a semi/kinda/sterm talk/argument with the boy and now i just feel like shit.
and i'm hungry. but i don't want to go downstairs cause my mom won't stop bothering me about this fucking stupid SAT mock exam.
and i fucking suck at math. i didnt answer like, 10 of the questions.
and im just wholeheartedly frustrated and i hate everyone and every single thing right now.
im going to cry.
i feel like ripping everything off my walls and just screaming.
but that will do nothing but make me upset that i ripped down all my pictures.
fsajfksghfd
i have to finish:
mock SAT exam [i've only done 3 out of 9 sections so far.]
the hardest paper i've ever had to write for english, and i havent even written a whole paragraph. i have bits and pieces and excerpts but i cant figure out how to put them together.
and i just had a semi/kinda/sterm talk/argument with the boy and now i just feel like shit.
and i'm hungry. but i don't want to go downstairs cause my mom won't stop bothering me about this fucking stupid SAT mock exam.
and i fucking suck at math. i didnt answer like, 10 of the questions.
and im just wholeheartedly frustrated and i hate everyone and every single thing right now.
im going to cry.
i feel like ripping everything off my walls and just screaming.
but that will do nothing but make me upset that i ripped down all my pictures.
fsajfksghfd
i sit back and look at all the photos with my friend having fun...
without me.
this is why i need new friends. who decide they all are gonna hang out, and actually think to call me.
and my dad just made me feel like shit. unintentionally, but still. now i feel like shit.
and i have no one to talk to.
this is why i need new friends. who decide they all are gonna hang out, and actually think to call me.
and my dad just made me feel like shit. unintentionally, but still. now i feel like shit.
and i have no one to talk to.
why i love lady gaga.
i'm being legit. not just cause shes pretty and has catchy songs.
i love her cause she's different, and she's not afraid to be.
and i mean, i know a lot of artists are unafraid to be different, such as marilyn manson and whatnot. but she's different than that. she is so mainstream, so in the public eye, and it doesn't matter. she won't sacrifice wearing something normal or anything.
she's honest and stands up for what she believes in.
she can be serious and still poke fun of herself.
she's an artist. everything she does is some form of art, whether its her music videos, her outfits, her songs, or just something she says.
"When you make music or write or create, it's really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you're writing about at the time. "
i mean, who says that?! but its so true.
i mean, she's amazing.
"I want women -- and men -- to feel empowered by a deeper and more psychotic part of themselves. The part they're always trying desperately to hide. I want that to become something that they cherish."
"I used to walk down the street like I was a fucking star... I want people to walk around delusional about how great they can be - and then to fight so hard for it every day that the lie becomes the truth."
it's like she fucking knows and cares. she's knows that i'm nothing and i want to be something.
she knows that i crave for a fast paced, exciting life, that i only get a taste of some nights.
that i want/need new friends and i want to be loved and known and brave and cared for.
and most of all, i want to be happy. i'm not happy. there's day when i'm happier than others. usually on weekends when im with certain people *coughcoughnudgenudgefailfailfailfail* but overall, im miserable.
i see the way my friends interact with their other friends and hang out with them and i just wonder why i don't have other friends like that. why am i always lonely, with no one to call and talk to for hours on end during the night [nevermind the fact that i hate phones]
and some/a lot of her lyrics may be considered conceded, or like, bitchy rich girl like, but they're not.
and it's hard to explain, but they just aren't.
and songs like, so happy i could die, and dance in the dark, just always make me feel better when i'm upset.
idk, she's one of my biggest heroes.
and i want vampire grills like she has in that picture. so sweet.
TOTALLY JUST DID SOMETHING I SWEAR I WOULDN'T DO.
m,fdsjfhljasksdjfbjhvvfsjkadnvbhlgdudywrijfknvblhuljka.dsfdnjk;ijksfdnjhuajkfjhusdvihjkda,dfsdjfhsaldfbdasfdskj
skdfjhaslduifhajwknfjfsbdvuiafjkfiupi2289ty24hfipfshsfhjksuoihsfij;sfd
sdf;jiis
fdshio;ia
oiasoifw[iouejaks
weo[iofisdjk;jskfd
ospioiffpwofja
FUCKKKKKKKK.
i have no self-control. it's lovely. *slams head against cement*
skdfjhaslduifhajwknfjfsbdvuiafjkfiupi2289ty24hfipfshsfhjksuoihsfij;sfd
sdf;jiis
fdshio;ia
oiasoifw[iouejaks
weo[iofisdjk;jskfd
ospioiffpwofja
FUCKKKKKKKK.
i have no self-control. it's lovely. *slams head against cement*
things i wish i said earlier:
but now it's too late cause i dont want to seem like a desperate, pathetic girl like i seemed the last time.
1. you make me self-conscience. i never wanted you to see my body cause i think its gross. even after we had sex or something i wanted to hide under the covers cause i didnt want you to really look. im afraid something about me might gross you out or something.
2. my mother has the power to instill fear in me. she always has. ever since we got caught, in your basement and driving, she has instilled this fear in me that if im someplace i'm not supposed to be, i will get caught. not a maybe. will. and im trying to overcome it. seriously. its in my to do list. but its hard cause she makes me very paranoid.
3. honestly, i thought you were gonna end it that night we saw the movie. cause i had a feeling something awful was gonna happen. and it did. but then we were fine and i had false hope that you wouldnt end it.
4. the hardest part was giving the ring back, cause then it was kinda official. giving your stuff back [when/if i see you again] will probably be tough too. but not as hard i think. cause even when we first ended it, i still had it, and i guess i still had hope. but giving it back was total devastation to me. i debated on whether i should give it back or not for a while...well, taking our photobooth pictures off my wall was pretty hard too.
i wish people would stop texting me asking if i'm okay and what happened. cause i'm obviously not okay and what do you think happened? i'm better if i'm not thinking about it, and when people text me, i think about it. monday is going to be fucking awful.
and can you answer my message please? i mean, it can be just a simple yes or no. cause you're leaving me hanging, and i hate it.
in other news sister dear text me to say i should drive 4hours to the bing and go drinking.
she was also the first to text me.
and i saw alice in wonderland with my parents tonight.
tomorrow night is gonna be awful.
tomorrow is just gonna be awful. basketball officially starts, and idk if i'm emotionally ready to deal with all their shit.
emotionally in general, im never prepared for their drama.
guhhhhjdkgasljfasfl;skjd
i'm as mad as a hatter.
1. you make me self-conscience. i never wanted you to see my body cause i think its gross. even after we had sex or something i wanted to hide under the covers cause i didnt want you to really look. im afraid something about me might gross you out or something.
2. my mother has the power to instill fear in me. she always has. ever since we got caught, in your basement and driving, she has instilled this fear in me that if im someplace i'm not supposed to be, i will get caught. not a maybe. will. and im trying to overcome it. seriously. its in my to do list. but its hard cause she makes me very paranoid.
3. honestly, i thought you were gonna end it that night we saw the movie. cause i had a feeling something awful was gonna happen. and it did. but then we were fine and i had false hope that you wouldnt end it.
4. the hardest part was giving the ring back, cause then it was kinda official. giving your stuff back [when/if i see you again] will probably be tough too. but not as hard i think. cause even when we first ended it, i still had it, and i guess i still had hope. but giving it back was total devastation to me. i debated on whether i should give it back or not for a while...well, taking our photobooth pictures off my wall was pretty hard too.
i wish people would stop texting me asking if i'm okay and what happened. cause i'm obviously not okay and what do you think happened? i'm better if i'm not thinking about it, and when people text me, i think about it. monday is going to be fucking awful.
and can you answer my message please? i mean, it can be just a simple yes or no. cause you're leaving me hanging, and i hate it.
in other news sister dear text me to say i should drive 4hours to the bing and go drinking.
she was also the first to text me.
and i saw alice in wonderland with my parents tonight.
tomorrow night is gonna be awful.
tomorrow is just gonna be awful. basketball officially starts, and idk if i'm emotionally ready to deal with all their shit.
emotionally in general, im never prepared for their drama.
guhhhhjdkgasljfasfl;skjd
i'm as mad as a hatter.
i havent left my bed since i got home.
and i saw our photobooth picture on my wall, cried had to tear it down.
rolled over, saw his jacket. cried and shoved it in my closet and closed the door.
idk where his boxers are. when i find them i'll cry.
when i see his hoodie/our picture from freshman in my armoire i'll cry.
my hand feels naked without the ring, so i took all my jewelry off.
as much as i knew this was coming, this fucking sucks.
i fucking hate life.
rolled over, saw his jacket. cried and shoved it in my closet and closed the door.
idk where his boxers are. when i find them i'll cry.
when i see his hoodie/our picture from freshman in my armoire i'll cry.
my hand feels naked without the ring, so i took all my jewelry off.
as much as i knew this was coming, this fucking sucks.
i fucking hate life.
story time:
i forgot to take my birth control for over a week.
i thought i only missed 2 days but no.
so now im crazy and hormonal. kinda like how i was before birth control. and it fucking sucks.
[idk if its true but i like blaming my problems on the meds i take.]
i thought i only missed 2 days but no.
so now im crazy and hormonal. kinda like how i was before birth control. and it fucking sucks.
[idk if its true but i like blaming my problems on the meds i take.]
i feel like im falling apart. like every part that i'm made up of is just breaking down.
and all i want is for you to fucking text me.
just fucking text me.
we havent talked for hours and you cant even say hey sorry i have a lot of homework.
and you still havent told me why the fuck you were mad at me last night.
and just fucking text me.
thats all i fucking want.
motherfucker i feel like shit just fucking text me urg.
and all i want is for you to fucking text me.
just fucking text me.
we havent talked for hours and you cant even say hey sorry i have a lot of homework.
and you still havent told me why the fuck you were mad at me last night.
and just fucking text me.
thats all i fucking want.
motherfucker i feel like shit just fucking text me urg.
give me the deets.
last night:
showed up at pgs dorm. her roommate is cool. she had nirvana, trivium, otep, as i lay dying, and tegan and sara posters. and her ears were gauged. pg took me around campus a bit to get her alch and meet some people. it was interesting. then she took a shower, came back and gave me clothes of hers to wear. then we put on makeup and went to the dorm across the hall. it was her friends named spencer. he was cool, from NYC, but thinks he's a cowboy, and is kinda sorta a born again christian, but his views are so awesome. and then this other dude came in...i think his name is matt or something idk pg called him beatz.
so we hung out there for a while, then this girl named lauren came, and we were gonna go to a kegger. but there was drama with pg and her boy toy/boyfriend/whatever. so they had an hour long fight. as they were fighting, lauren offered to take me to the kegger, but i said i would wait for pg. then her other friends wanted me to hang with them, so i went into ethiopias room. yes, that's her name.
she's christian to the point that she doesn't eat shellfish and doesn't believe in evolution. (shes gonna be a science major. kinda a conflict but whatever) but she was cool, and we talked about candy and the zoo and school and stuff.
then pg picked me up and we went to the kegger, but there was no more beer! but i met the whole male bball team, and this one kid there (sal?) told me he used to go to new hampshire, and remembered seeing my sis and dora, and that he was at the game friday night. then he started asking me all these questions about my sister and i was like uhhhh...
so we ran around, took pictures and crap, then sal? talked to paige. then paige comes up to me and goes "sal thinks your sister is hot, dont tell him i told you." and i was like, ohmygod i knew it! so i texted my sister and she was kinda creeped out.
anywho, after that we went to a frat party and psi something or other. (looked it up, Psi Upsilon. they just called it psi u or pu.)
somehow, cause pg has connections, we got to come through the front door and not the back basement stairs. they had this huge table of beer pong going on, and they had beer from a tap. like in a restaurant. it was freaking cool. it was pretty boring for a while cause no one was there. so we went upstairs for like, no reason. and when we came back, the table was gone, the lights were off, the black lights and strobe lights were on, and it. was. packed. pg and i danced and it was fun. i danced with two guys from the bball team, and idk about the other guy, cause i drunk and didnt see who it was. and neither did pg. but we kept switching guys we were dancing with, and she hooked up with tyrelle (but it didnt happen so actually she didnt)
and the strobe light was killing me. and i was drenched in beer multiple times. we left around 3ish and ran across the field with her friends and gave piggy back rides. and while running past the dorms to get to pgs, there were firefighters and everyone was outside of one of them. which was funny cause they just had a fire a few days ago.
so we go back to pgs dorm, or really her floor, and we eat ramen and cinnamon toast crunch.
it was funny cause lauren took all the vegetables out her cup of noodles but pg ate it. so she was mad and almost started crying. then, when she was happier, she points to pg and goes, "remind me to be mad at her tomorrow!!"
then tyrelle tried to invite me into his room and i was like uhhh....no...cant move. which was a lie but it was sketchy.
so, we end up in ethiopia and laurens room. lauren leaves to go fuck this guy or something, and pg falls asleep on her bed. so we went to sleep in laurens bed at like, 345, 4ish.
and this asian guy named tony, who is so funny, kept joking around with ethiopia saying they were married. and he got into her bed and wouldnt get out. it was funny.
then we woke up this morning and pg forgot we werent in her room. so we went back and her roommate wasnt there. but there was an empty cup of noodles with a fork through it on ethiopias door handle o_o
thats pretty much my night.
im tired/hungover as fuck. and no matter what i do this headache wont go away. :/
blah.
showed up at pgs dorm. her roommate is cool. she had nirvana, trivium, otep, as i lay dying, and tegan and sara posters. and her ears were gauged. pg took me around campus a bit to get her alch and meet some people. it was interesting. then she took a shower, came back and gave me clothes of hers to wear. then we put on makeup and went to the dorm across the hall. it was her friends named spencer. he was cool, from NYC, but thinks he's a cowboy, and is kinda sorta a born again christian, but his views are so awesome. and then this other dude came in...i think his name is matt or something idk pg called him beatz.
so we hung out there for a while, then this girl named lauren came, and we were gonna go to a kegger. but there was drama with pg and her boy toy/boyfriend/whatever. so they had an hour long fight. as they were fighting, lauren offered to take me to the kegger, but i said i would wait for pg. then her other friends wanted me to hang with them, so i went into ethiopias room. yes, that's her name.
she's christian to the point that she doesn't eat shellfish and doesn't believe in evolution. (shes gonna be a science major. kinda a conflict but whatever) but she was cool, and we talked about candy and the zoo and school and stuff.
then pg picked me up and we went to the kegger, but there was no more beer! but i met the whole male bball team, and this one kid there (sal?) told me he used to go to new hampshire, and remembered seeing my sis and dora, and that he was at the game friday night. then he started asking me all these questions about my sister and i was like uhhhh...
so we ran around, took pictures and crap, then sal? talked to paige. then paige comes up to me and goes "sal thinks your sister is hot, dont tell him i told you." and i was like, ohmygod i knew it! so i texted my sister and she was kinda creeped out.
anywho, after that we went to a frat party and psi something or other. (looked it up, Psi Upsilon. they just called it psi u or pu.)
somehow, cause pg has connections, we got to come through the front door and not the back basement stairs. they had this huge table of beer pong going on, and they had beer from a tap. like in a restaurant. it was freaking cool. it was pretty boring for a while cause no one was there. so we went upstairs for like, no reason. and when we came back, the table was gone, the lights were off, the black lights and strobe lights were on, and it. was. packed. pg and i danced and it was fun. i danced with two guys from the bball team, and idk about the other guy, cause i drunk and didnt see who it was. and neither did pg. but we kept switching guys we were dancing with, and she hooked up with tyrelle (but it didnt happen so actually she didnt)
and the strobe light was killing me. and i was drenched in beer multiple times. we left around 3ish and ran across the field with her friends and gave piggy back rides. and while running past the dorms to get to pgs, there were firefighters and everyone was outside of one of them. which was funny cause they just had a fire a few days ago.
so we go back to pgs dorm, or really her floor, and we eat ramen and cinnamon toast crunch.
it was funny cause lauren took all the vegetables out her cup of noodles but pg ate it. so she was mad and almost started crying. then, when she was happier, she points to pg and goes, "remind me to be mad at her tomorrow!!"
then tyrelle tried to invite me into his room and i was like uhhh....no...cant move. which was a lie but it was sketchy.
so, we end up in ethiopia and laurens room. lauren leaves to go fuck this guy or something, and pg falls asleep on her bed. so we went to sleep in laurens bed at like, 345, 4ish.
and this asian guy named tony, who is so funny, kept joking around with ethiopia saying they were married. and he got into her bed and wouldnt get out. it was funny.
then we woke up this morning and pg forgot we werent in her room. so we went back and her roommate wasnt there. but there was an empty cup of noodles with a fork through it on ethiopias door handle o_o
thats pretty much my night.
im tired/hungover as fuck. and no matter what i do this headache wont go away. :/
blah.
summer nights in winter.
on saturday i hung out with mary, rosie, and paul. charlie and his friend where there for a bit, then collier came, then the boy ♥
first, we found a secret stairwell in a sketchy part of the mall. and when i say sketchy, i mean, holy shit sketchy. charlie and his friend left then rosie, mary, paul and i walked around the mall.
we then walked to dunkin donuts and got hash browns. then got pizza on discount cause paul is friends with someone who works there. then sat in jerrys pizza and subs and ate the pizza. then we pushed rosie around in a cart while she held a sign that said "sorry, she's retarded." it was on the back of my old bio notes about photosynthesis. so she started screaming, "CALVIN CYCLE! CITRIC ACID! GYNECOLOGIST." and mary and i had to scream back, "GLYCOLYSIS."
then collier arrived. basically, we ran around doing nothing and everything.
and paul almost died. he ran out into the street when i car was turning, and mary, collier, and i screamed so fucking loud. luckily the car stopped and he ran across. but actually, he almost got hit.
then we got pauls friend to get us stuff, and then we sat in dunkin donuts again and got hash browns. then we chilled in the parking lot of jerrys pizza and subs the boy came. and we all hung out and it was good times. and mary runs up to mitch and hugs him. and shes all like, "i got stuck in the snow over there, for like, 20mintues." and collier hugged this random dude twice. and these drunk guys walked by asking where the university was. and one of them asks paul to tell them that they will not get any pussy.
then mary slept over.
it was a great night.
oh, and paul looks like jesus.
first, we found a secret stairwell in a sketchy part of the mall. and when i say sketchy, i mean, holy shit sketchy. charlie and his friend left then rosie, mary, paul and i walked around the mall.
we then walked to dunkin donuts and got hash browns. then got pizza on discount cause paul is friends with someone who works there. then sat in jerrys pizza and subs and ate the pizza. then we pushed rosie around in a cart while she held a sign that said "sorry, she's retarded." it was on the back of my old bio notes about photosynthesis. so she started screaming, "CALVIN CYCLE! CITRIC ACID! GYNECOLOGIST." and mary and i had to scream back, "GLYCOLYSIS."
then collier arrived. basically, we ran around doing nothing and everything.
and paul almost died. he ran out into the street when i car was turning, and mary, collier, and i screamed so fucking loud. luckily the car stopped and he ran across. but actually, he almost got hit.
then we got pauls friend to get us stuff, and then we sat in dunkin donuts again and got hash browns. then we chilled in the parking lot of jerrys pizza and subs the boy came. and we all hung out and it was good times. and mary runs up to mitch and hugs him. and shes all like, "i got stuck in the snow over there, for like, 20mintues." and collier hugged this random dude twice. and these drunk guys walked by asking where the university was. and one of them asks paul to tell them that they will not get any pussy.
then mary slept over.
it was a great night.
oh, and paul looks like jesus.
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