the black parade is dead!

i preordered the limited edition.
it was over $80 with shipping and handling and everything.
but shhhh it was worth it.
don't tell my moms.
she'll kick my ass.
i've spent over $130 on MCR shit in the past 2 days.
sheeeees gonna kill me.
anywho,
i think i have some sort of mental problem. okay, i lied, i know i have one, i just dont know what.
some sort of bi-polar maybe?
my mood swings are pretty extreme...
i dont know.
what i do know though, is that i can't bring myself to hurt people, even if it's in my benefit. i just can't. i think she's right. i do fall for people who have a history of hurting their last significant others. but stillll. i'm not gonna lie. i have a dream guy in my head, and i can't help but compare people to him. but, urg. that really has to do with nothing. and it seems like no matter what i do/think, there is always someone telling me no. or, you're wrong.
and then theres tilde.
my darling tilde.
i believe she has changed.
the people that she's hanging out with aren't the nicest. i've never experienced their awfulness first hand, they've been nothing but kind to me, and vise versa. but a few of my friends have seriously been injured because of them..and my tilde. she's not the same.
i don't know what it is but she's not. and i just feel like everything is going to collapse on top of me with a really big crash.

i am awkward.
i find it hard to have conversations about my feelings.
and harder to open up to people that i love.
i am afraid of being terribly ripped apart.
so i don't show my feelings,
i don't cry.
it's easy.
i am afraid of making mistakes when people are counting on me.
which makes me timid, and suck at the only sport i adore, basketball.
i am a compulsive liar.
so people don't figure out who i really am.
i don't even know if i know who i really am.
i'm not poetic,
i'm not artistic,
i'm not interesting,
i'm.just.not.
and i feel more and more like nothing everyday.
and everyday is the same.
every conversation i seem to have is the same.
i'm sick of the same.
i'm sick of the normal.
i need something different. i need new people. i need exciting people.
i'm oh so incredibly bored.
and i'm even more upset.
so many times i wished that the world inside my head were the real world.
i would never be bored,
and i would never be lonely...




...
comfort band time.